Is your church a part of the friendship recession?

Friendships are on the decline, in quantity, but especially in quality. Due to the rise of social media and digital communication, modern relationships often lack depth, commitment, and longevity. The world seems to value individual preference, side hustles, pets, social media appearances, and hobbies over friendships. 

These values can infiltrate the church, but so can prioritizing family and spouses at the expense of healthy, deep, covenantal friendships. First, let’s discuss the so-called “friendship recession,” then we can unpack how you and your church can combat it. 

The friendship recession

This shift has occurred rapidly, although the phenomenon likely predates the technology. From 1975 to 2000, there was a 35 percent drop in having friends over and a 58 percent drop in club meeting attendance. This decline in America’s social fabric is only exacerbated by social media and casual friendships. 

Unlike the friendships of previous generations, which often formed through shared life experiences, community engagement, and long-term interactions, friendships today tend to be more transactional and fleeting. The number of Americans with no close friends quadrupled from 4 percent to 12 percent over the period from 1990 to 2021. This decline has been called the “friendship recession.” 

Broadly speaking, people who go to church regularly fare better in the friendship department. Church can be a wonderful place to make close relationships. Church involves a social gathering where folks have shared values—namely, the gospel—and engage in common activities like singing and discussing the Bible. Unfortunately, churches haven’t always capitalized on this fact. 

Instead, the friendship recession has affected not only personal relationships but also how friendships are perceived within the church. Rather than being viewed as a crucial aspect of spiritual growth and Christian living, friendships have become secondary to romantic and familial relationships.

This modern neglect of deep, covenantal friendships has significant implications for the church. 

When friendships are not prioritized or nurtured, churches can become fragmented, with individuals forming small, insular groups rather than functioning as a unified body. This lack of deep connection weakens communities, making it easier for people to leave their church for minor reasons or to seek fulfillment elsewhere. 

If friendships were viewed through a covenantal lens—similar to the biblical examples of David and Jonathan, or even Jesus and His disciples—churches would foster a stronger sense of commitment, accountability, and support among their members.

Biblical examples of covenantal friendship

The Bible presents numerous examples of friendships that transcend cultural expectations and personal circumstances. Jonathan and David, for example, model the biblical picture of covenantal friendship. There are several moments when David and Jonathan show brotherly affection and make lifelong commitments to friendship, but this passage from 1 Samuel stands out: 

Then Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the Lᴏʀᴅ, saying, ‘The Lᴏʀᴅ shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever.’” (1 Samuel 20:42)

This kind of commitment has the potential to transform both individual lives and church communities. Their friendship was marked by unwavering loyalty, self-sacrifice, and deep emotional connection, demonstrating the power of covenantal love. Jonathan risked his own safety and position for David’s well-being, showing that true friendship often requires personal sacrifice. 

In addition to David and Jonathan’s friendship, Jesus Himself modeled deep relational bonds with His disciples. He did not merely serve as their teacher; He called them friends (John 15:15). His love for them was sacrificial and enduring, as seen in His commitment to walking with them in their weaknesses, encouraging them, and ultimately laying down His life for them. 

Similarly, the early church exemplified communal friendship in Acts 2:42-47, where believers devoted themselves to fellowship, shared their resources, and supported one another in radical ways. 

These examples remind us that friendships in the Christian faith are not meant to be optional or superficial but integral to spiritual growth and community flourishing.

Does every friendship need to be covenantal?

Does every friendship need to be covenantal? In short, absolutely not. 

Friendship is not a single category. We use the same word to describe people we occasionally see, people we share activities with, and people who carry our inner lives—but not all friendships are meant to hold the same emotional weight. 

The difference between them is not primarily time spent, proximity, or shared interests; it is emotional posture: how open, exposed, and responsible two people are willing to be with one another. 

Covenant friendship is not a higher-value human being but a deeper shared agreement. It cannot exist unilaterally. Close and covenant friendships only form when both people—implicitly or explicitly—agree that the relationship carries the next level of responsibility. 

When intimacy is assumed without mutual clarity, it becomes high-liability rather than life-giving. Covenant friendship, at its core, is not about intensity or constant access, but about mutual commitment to presence, repair, and care across seasons of change. 

As Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” While it’s important for every believer to have one to a few covenantal friendships, there’s no need to stress about making everyone into that kind of friend! It’s a rare, treasured thing that should be protected, cultivated, and celebrated. 

How can your church encourage covenantal friendships?

Often, friendships within the church remain segmented along lines of age, marital status, or shared interests, rather than functioning as a holistic, intergenerational community. When friendships are not intentionally cultivated, they can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection, weakening the overall fabric of the church. 

However, if churches were to intentionally cultivate and encourage friendships across different groups—between singles and married couples, across generations, and even across cultural backgrounds—there would be a greater sense of unity and mutual encouragement in the body of Christ. 

A culture of covenantal friendship would encourage members to commit to one another in love, fostering an environment where spiritual growth, accountability, and encouragement thrive. This shift would strengthen the church and provide a countercultural witness to a world that often undervalues deep, committed relationships. 

To cultivate these kinds of friendships, we need to take practical steps: 

• First, churches should actively teach about the value of covenant friendships, incorporating it into sermons, Bible studies, and discipleship programs. 
• Second, believers should commit to spending intentional time with one another, prioritizing friendship in their schedules rather than relegating it to occasional interactions. 
• Third, accountability should be a natural part of these relationships, where friends encourage one another in faith, challenge each other to grow spiritually, and walk through trials together.
• Lastly, churches should create spaces where friendships can naturally develop, such as small groups, mentorship programs, and intergenerational gatherings. 

Reclaiming the biblical vision of covenantal friendship is essential for both personal and communal flourishing. Friendship, when understood as a covenantal relationship rather than a casual association, has the power to transform the church into a more unified, supportive, and spiritually mature body. By looking to biblical examples and intentionally investing in deep, Christ-centered friendships, we can cultivate a church community that reflects the eternal, relational joy of the kingdom of God. 

As marriage fades away in eternity, friendships will remain, demonstrating the enduring nature of covenantal love. In a culture that often isolates individuals and prioritizes independence over interdependence, the church has the unique opportunity to reclaim friendship as a foundational element of Christian life. By doing so, we offer a glimpse of heaven: a 

community united in love, bound by faith, and strengthened through covenantal friendship.

To whom can you offer that glimpse of heaven today?