How to care for a grieving friend

Tears welled up in her eyes as she fidgeted with the tissue in her lap. “They asked me when I’m going to be back to my old self. Back to normal. But how can anything be normal again if he’s gone?” Heads nodded around the circle. 

Another woman spoke up. “I know my friends love me. They want to help. But they don’t know how. And I don’t know what to tell them.” 

My church started another semester of grief ministry this week, and the ache of my own dad’s passing several years ago somehow feels fresh again. Each new circle I lead contains unique stories of love and loss, unanswered prayers, and questions for God. 

No two journeys of grief are the same, but one common theme I hear repeated every time: people do not know how to care for those who have lost someone they loved. 

Grief makes people awkward. No one wants to be compared to Job’s friends, the most famous “miserable comforters” of all time (Job 16:2). People are afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing something hurtful, so they often ignore the griever or avoid bringing up the elephant in the room altogether. 

Caring for a grieving friend is both simple and hard. I want to offer a few best practices I learned in conversations with others who experienced the death of loved ones and by walking through my own seasons of sorrow. Because each person and story is different, this is not a one-size-fits-all guide. Some may prove helpful, others not. You know your person best, so use these suggestions with discernment and prayer.

A few things to know

Grieving is more than feeling sad. It is the wide range of feelings that come from losing someone who was important to you. If you have walked this road of loss, you know you can feel sorrow, anger, relief, and disorientation in the same breath. Please show grace to your grieving friend because emotions fluctuate unpredictably and uncontrollably. 

Brain fog is real. Your friend may struggle to communicate or make decisions because their brain is functioning differently. As Mary-Frances O’Connor explains in her book The Grieving Brain, our brains create physical connections with our loved ones and struggle to comprehend the new reality when they are gone. 

Grief is not linear. You may have heard of the five stages of grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Her work focused on those with terminal illness, not those grieving the death of someone. Your friend might experience variations of these stages in no particular order, oscillate back and forth between stages, or skip stages altogether. 

What not to do

The most important thing to remember is that caring for your grieving friend is not about you. Sarah Beckman, in her thoughtful book Alongside, highlights the need to set aside our wants and needs to focus on our friend. 

While that might seem obvious, I know how quickly my own feelings, comfort, and experiences cloud my judgment. I choose what I like instead of considering what the other person might actually find helpful. I believe that if I say the right thing or quote the perfect Bible verse, then they would feel better. I assume that my previous experience makes me an expert. 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It’s not about me. 

Considering a few “don’ts” when it comes to serving someone who is grieving helps me keep the focus on them and off myself.

• Don’t compare losses. Every death is tragic and reminds us of the brokenness in this world. 
• Don’t make assumptions. If the person looks happy in public, that does not mean they are “healed.” You might be seeing them on the one good day in the middle of ten bad ones. 
• Don’t put a time limit on their grief. No one ever fully “gets over” a loss. They carry it with them for the rest of their lives.
• Don’t try to fix them. Grief is not a problem we can fix. It must be walked through. Walk with them.
• Don’t see their tears as weak faith. Even Jesus wept at the loss of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35). And he lamented in the Garden of Gethsemane before the cross. Sorrow is biblical, and the last thing a grieving person needs is to feel like God is judging them for that grief. 

Practical ways to help 

People trying to cope after the death of a loved one often feel isolated and unseen. Even friends with the best intentions can cause additional pain. Comments like, “At least you’re young and can remarry (or have more children)” or “You know God can make all things good, so be glad he’s in a better place” might technically be correct, but can add to the suffering they’re already experiencing. 

So, what can we do to help our grieving friends? 

The list below is not exhaustive. It is simply a place to start. Above all else, pray for your friend and ask the Lord to help you know how to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). God is the God of all comfort and gives us what we need to share his comfort with others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

• Practice the ministry of presence. Be with them physically. Let them cry. 
• Listen. If they feel like talking, give them space to do so without judgment. Let them talk to you about their loved one.
• Avoid starting any sentence with “At least. . .” 
• Refrain from saying “Let me know how I can help.” They won’t. It puts the burden on them to think of something and reach out. 
• Drop off something simple you know they like: their favorite snack, a gift card to their favorite store, movie tickets, a candle, etc. 
• Make specific offers. “I would like to bring you groceries. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work?” If they decline your offer, don’t be offended. Ask again later.
• Respect their boundaries. Invite them to events, but understand that they may not feel like participating in social events or having long conversations right now.
• Ask specific questions. “How are you?” is difficult to answer. “How did work go yesterday afternoon?” gives them a specific time and place to think about. 
• Text them a verse, prayer, or song without any expectation of a response. 
• Reach out on anniversaries, birthdays, or other important holidays to let them know you are thinking of and praying for them. 

Someone close to me said it best: your friend is not a problem to be solved but a person to be loved. And, through the power and the presence of the Holy Spirit, God can help you do just that. Will you let him?